Behind the ahoge, glasses and blue eyes… [TW: Assault]

I honestly know nothing about anime/ manga/ “kawaii-desu-ness”. I had only finished watching APH about a year ago. I loved the series- I’ve always loved history and to find someone able to poke fun at it was different!

I used to live in England and I moved just about a year and a half ago to the southern half of America. So I was this nervous white girl with a horrendously thick accent going to a new high school where I didn’t know anyone. To be honest, I was desperate to find anyone that had common interests.

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friend of a friend

At first glance, one couldn’t tell that Zee was a weeaboo. I met her freshman year of high school; we all went to a big Catholic school, and since everyone wore the same uniform (plaid skirts or blue pants and a white shirt), we all looked pretty much the same. Okay, so maybe Zee was wearing a Naruto headband—how was I supposed to know how creepy she was?

Zee immediately became part of our group. After a few days, I started to get weirded out by her.

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The “Kawaii” Yaoi lover from hell.

There aren’t a whole lot of anime/manga fans at my local high school. There’s no club or anything, which I really didn’t have an problem with. Being a “normal” fan of anime, I’ve met and seen a lot of really messed up weeaboos over my years. Luckily, that happened mostly just in middle school with an large anime club and “Cosplay-Day”.

But my high school didn’t have any of this, so I thought I’d be okay this year and wouldn’t run into anymore weridos. Yeah, I was dead wrong.

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Trampled by Weeaboos….Literally.

It’s petrifying when you’re staring death in the face, especially when death is in the form of forty deranged fangirls who’ve gone batshit up the belfry for Hetalia. This is my horrifying Weeaboo story, and I’m sticking to it. 

My friend and I were at AX 2010. Our cosplay consisted of my 6 foot tall friend (let’s call him “W”) dressed like one of the giant wolves from Princess Mononoke while I piggy-back rode him in my San cosplay. The costumes took me 3 months to make, and I was really proud of the results.

On the third day of the convention, we were taking a break from the chaos of the main hall and walking down one of the smaller hallways by an escalator. Aside from a couple people loitering around the walls the hallway was basically empty. I was riding on W’s back, minding my own business, when I suddenly heard this distant roar from behind us echo down the hallway, so I took a second to look over my shoulder to see what was up. What I saw may quite possibly be the most morbidly horrifying thing I’ve ever encountered; a giant Hetalia STAMPEDE heading straight in our direction.

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Foreign Exchange Students - Just Like Hetalia

Jackie is a Hetalian, but also takes it to the extreme. I’ll describe her story from the perspective of two exchange student friends of mine, who went back to their respective nations a while back.

The first one, Katya, was from St. Petersburg, Russia. She came from a family of baby-faced, white-haired beauties, and of course, upon watching Hetalia, became one of the best Fem!Russia cosplayers I’ve ever seen. The second one, Rodrich, was from Germany, and looked the part. Although he didn’t really like Hetalia, upon urging from Katya, watched it and - you guessed it - cosplayed Germany occasionally. He calls it “stupid,” but from how many references he dropped at school, I doubt he really thinks it. 

The two of them were very good friends despite such different backgrounds, but then were suddenly assaulted by Jackie. I was talking to them upon our first encounter. She just walked up, barged past me like I didn’t exist, shoving me out of the group, and fixed them with an oh-so-creepy stare. They simply went “hello?” and she smiled strangely before walking away, again shoving past me. Jackie went to her backpack and came back with several little books - the first edition of the Hetalia manga, and about six little Fem!RusGer doujinshi. The first thing she does is give me a dirty look and tell me to fuck off and go away, didn’t I see she had something important to tell them? I wasn’t ‘cool’ enough to be with two such coooool people~, despite me acting as a semi-translator to Katya (mostly for difficult words and ideas; she and Rod had a fairly good command of English.)

The next thing she did was to show the books, with enthusiasm, to the two of them. Most of the doujinshi were R-18. They told her - politely, I might add - that they weren’t interested in such things, although they were very much aware they looked like the characters. Jackie seemed disappointed, and walked away again. The next day, for several weeks, she continued to assault them with this porn cache. To this day, I have no idea where she got so many of them. She was constantly rude to me, once even shoving my lunch off the table to make room for her doujinshi. 

On top of this, she did nothing but spew out Hetalia references in history class, all the while being rude and snobbish. Also, during the Revolutionary War unit, she constantly decided to scream things about USUK for no reason whatsoever. (And any other goddamn pairing in her mind.) 

I’m so glad she got expelled. I won’t go into the details, but it involves a single printout of a USUK doujinshi, a vibrator, and a backpack search. 

Nazis are sugoi

A few years back, I went to a rather local convention. This was when Hetalia had first arisen as a popular anime, so at least half of the convention seemed to be made up of Hetalia fans. 

I was just sitting around, so I decided to call my mom. She had just recently gotten severe back surgery. I figured checking up on her would be a pretty cool guy idea. 

As I started the phone conversation, I heard a sort of soft squeeling from beside me. I turned my head to see a lot of Hetalia fans pointing to me and fangirling. I smiled, thinking it kind of weebish, but still sort of a… a compliment. Of sorts. 

Anyway, I finish the phone conversation, and the girls come up to me. Specifically, their Germany, who begins talking to me in such broken, broken German. She seemed pretty proud of herself, but, honestly, I couldn’t understand most of what she was saying. 

So I conversed with them for a little while longer, when one of them calls me a baka. Confused, but somewhat amused, I ask why.

"You’re such a baka for like Hitler-sama!"

What is this I don’t even. 

"Nazis are bakas! Silly doitsu-chan~!" 

Wat. All of them. ALL OF THEM ARE SAYIN’ THIS SHIT. 

Smile, nod, turn 180* and walk awaaaaay. 

A tackle from the past

So back in middle school I will admit, I was a weeaboo. I tried learning Japanese and yes, I had to get all the newest manga that was out on the book shelves. I hung out with this group who were obsessed and thought it was cool to pretend you were in an anime. Everyone teased us for it but we didn’t care. We thought it was cool to be an outcast just like the Anime characters were from all the rest. There was a girl named Anne. She wore anime shirts, cat ears and would always get in trouble because she would say nonsense to people. In the eighth grade, she inappropriately touched another girl in the locker room and was expelled for it. Never heard from her again.

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A Wish for In-Character “Invisibility”

"Snacks" (my sister), "AM" (sister’s clingy girlfriend), and myself attended Ichiban2012 this past January. On the last day of the con, I went as Pajama!Canada with Snacks as Pajama!Prussia (silly, lazy, fun costumes). 

We got there early after having checked out of our hotel before the con started up, again. We had about an hour to wait, so Snacks and I just sat around in one of the lobbies, AM somewhere off to the side.

We watch people pass by for a bit when one of them sees us and decides to come over. She asks for a picture of us and we politely accept. She says “arigato” or something in a cutesy tone before running off down one of the halls. Not two minutes later, she’s running back to us and starts jabbering away about our costumes, Hetalia, our huge plushes (Gilbird and Kumajiro), and how she was going to be Lichtenstein sometime later on that day. Snacks and I smile awkwardly and just nod, hoping she’ll go away.

She doesn’t.

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Diamond, the very desu weaboo from hell.

I’ve known this one girl, let’s call her “Carla” for now. She brings a bad name to several things, anime and LGBT issues in particular. Carla doesn’t go by her real name. She forces everyone to call her Diamond l or whatever anime character she thinks is “kawaii.” Currently she’s obsessed with Hetalia. That fandom really gets a bad rap from people like Diamond.

She INSISTS that she’s half japanese, even though she doesn’t look it and I’ve met her parents. So that’s why she likes to be called “Kiku Honda” or “Japan.”

In theatre arts class we had to write a group script about bullying. She was the “misunderstood Japanese girl who everyone bullies because they’re jealous of her kawaii looks, “hot yaoi friends” and her fantastic art skills.

Diamond is neither cute or a good artist. She steals other people’s art, tracing blatantly from her laptop at lunch. When she actually does her own art, it’s that Draw-Your-Own-Manga shit. She also plans on moving to Japan when she’s older, and creating a manga with another weaboo-y friend, “Addi-chan.” “Cute” is one thing that does NOT describe her. She has short, afro-like hair, acne covering her face, and never wears a bra.

We take the same public bus to school, and often, she’s been wearing this shirt saying “JAPAN NUKED FOR NO REASON” and on the back it says, “THANKS FAT AMERICANS!!!!!!!” It’s one of those shitty ones made with fabric paint. EVERYONE. STARES.

In GSA, she will blatantly go up to our only two gay guys and say, “You should make some yaoi for us,” or something along those lines. That was one of the major reasons we kicked her out. She unleashes her wrath on this one girl in GSA. Ploy is a thai girl whom Diamond insists is Japanese. Diamond thinks it’s funny to grope Ploy in the middle of meetings, or even regular classes and talk about her boobs REALLY LOUDLY.

Recently, Diamond “casual cosplayed” at school as Fem!Japan. All she did was put on cat ears, comb her hair, wear a skirt with leggings, and say konichiwa to everyone (Which is nothing new.)

Nazi Germany anyone?

Around 3 years ago when I first started High school I decided to join the anime club because I was fairly new to the area (having started at the end of eighth grade) and had barely any friends. But this was my first mistake. On the first day of anime club I met The president of the club (lets call her amy) Amy was a nice girl she was a Senior and I quickly took a liking to her because we shared many similar interests. She and the rest of the club quickly named me Al  ( because of my strong resemblance to the character from Fullmetal Alchemist) After a few weeks of Showing up at anime club I noticed this guy that always hung around the back of the club. I asked Amy about him she said his name was Jay ( name changed) and apparently they were great friends. Me being naive decided to talk to this kid. My biggest mistake.

Jay was a kid who dressed in all black. He was obsessed with Bleach, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Hetalia, and hentai. The first thing he said to me when I approached him was “I’m goth don’t talk to me.” Not even a day later when I mentioned Hetalia he jumped right in and had no problem talking to me. After I mentioned Germany was my favorite character he decided we were friends. A few weeks later he invited me and Amy for dinner and we accepted. Before school was out that day Amy pulled me aside and warned me he was a bit….not right in the head  I didnt think much of the warning until we got to his house.

Opon arriving to his house I relized he didn’t just “like” hentai he loved it. His room was covered in printed out pictures of Hentai full body pillows of naked anime charectors and figures of Hatsume Miku in ….”questionable* poses. As if this didn’t scare me enough There was a large Nazi flag hanging above his bed and other nazi propaganda. He quickly changed into his “GermanY” Cosplay which acctually was a Nazi uniform and gave us “Roles” to play in his “Reich” I was given “Hitler youth” . Of course by this time I was really freaked out and wanted to leave. When he excused himself to the bathroom Amy quickly turned to me and told me to play along or He’d freak out. After two hours Amy had to leave leaving me there all alone. Jay of course was fine with this saying it was ok he’d just “have fun playing with me alone” . As soon as we got up stairs He tackled me onto the bed telling me how he always “Loved” me and wanted him to be my “First” I quickly pushed him off a ran into the bathroom calling my dad to pick me up. While i was waiting for my dad Jay was outside the door telling me how he wanted his “little Al-chan to come out and play ” and how “kawaii-desu” it was that i was hiding from him. After about 5 minutes of him doing this he got angry and started saying that he was gonna “murder my family with his hoard of Hollows” Or how he was going to call the Akatsuki to come and kill them. As soon as my dad was there I opened the door and tried to run out of the house but he blocked my way telling me i would never escape him. So I kneed him in he balls and got out of there as fast as possible.

I texted Amy about what Happened and she said she was already taking care of it. She kicked him out of Anime club the next time he came which really pissed him off  so he yelled he was going to japan to train in the ways of the  Nazi Ninja soul reapers so he could come kill all of our families. The next week he got kicked out of school for wearing a Nazi armband and telling a black student he would curb stomp her. We never heard from him again thank god…