weeaboo stories

So here goes, my tale of horror.

I had just gotten out of my weeaboo stage (along with my two friends, let’s name them P and R.) in seventh grade. We were all pretty chill with everyone, especially the other anime fans. We’d met this one girl, who we’ll name NekoNyaChan, last year and thought she was pretty nice, a great person who was into the same things as us. We’d talk about anime pretty often as a group, and eventually NekoNyaChan started an anime club.

So at this club, about ten - fifteen people showed up twice a week to discuss / watch animes. It was fun, really. She’d bring along mostly Naruto box sets, though. I thought, ‘whatever, she may not have any others. I guess this will do.’ She also yelled at the others in the group if their style of drawing wasn’t suiting her tastes, constantly telling them to make the eyes larger. The others slowly quit coming altogether except for the few who liked the same things as her.
Well P, R, and I should have taken this as notice. A huge mistake not to.

I am a fan of Hetalia, so P and R got me a Hetalia shirt. I began to wear it, not very often, but I still wore it every few weeks. Soon, everytime I wore it, NekoNyaChan would glomp me, yell, “PASTAAA ~ !” across the room /during class/ (along with the signature hand movement), and go on about how Italy is hot, and how Germany is sexy and all this nonsense. P wanted to quit being friends with her, but R and I wanted to give her a chance. So we did.

Another big mistake.

Soon after, she bought tons of anime shirts (mainly those from Hot Topic, or her own poorly made iron on ones), and wore one on every single day of the week. She’d also randomly glomp - no, more like /tackle/ - the three of us, shouting ‘Nya ~ !’, or wearing cat ears and telling everyone she was a neko. Then she began adding honorifics, “-chan,” “-sensei,” “-kun,” and using them at the wrong times. (Yes, she’d actually yell out ‘sensei’ in class.) Hence the nickname us three gave her, NekoNyaChan.

Well, we’d slowly weeded her out of our lives (she found a new person - which I felt bad for and did warn him, but I really don’t know what happened to him), and continued on normally. A year later, we planned to go to a local anime group meeting that encouraged cosplay, in our usual Hetalia (and the next day, Reborn.) cosplay groups. Somehow NekoNyaChan found out our plans. As my parents dropped off in the front, so did NekoNyaChan’s. She was in a Italy cosplay, and P was in a Germany cosplay. (Keep in mind we have an Italy already) Well, she’s a pretty large girl, and P is easily knocked down.

She yelled ” DOISTUUUU ! “, /tackled/ P, throwing her onto the ground and knocking her out (we were on the pavement, still). After this, she turned to R who was Spain, began singing his character song (terribly, I might add.), and then stared straight at me. At the time I was in my S. Italy cosplay.

Well, she screamed “ONII - CHAAAAAAAN”, tackled me as well, not caring that P was unconscious on the floor, or that I had a broken leg. P and I were taken back to our homes, my leg damaged again, and P receiving a mild concussion.

The next day, the others in our group had gone back to the meeting in their Reborn cosplays.
When they’d run across NekoNyaChan, she yelled at them saying that her Hibaya (me) wasn’t there because they were jealous of her cosplay and the fact that I loved her more. And something else about how she was much more of an anime fan than them.

I don’t know what went down between them, but after that NekoNyaChan stayed away from me and eventually moved.

Well, I know now that I should really be aware of who I become ‘friends’ with.

So, I got into Team Fortress 2 awhile back, maybe a few months ago. Not long after, I found a bunch of tf2 cosplayers and decided to try it. Since I’m pretty lanky and thin, I decided to go for Spy. I managed to get it all together in time for a one-day-con (and I’ll be damned if it didn’t take me a month to find that suit.) and I got some very positive reactions, shared a lot of laughs-… Until this girl came along. We’ll call her Engie, since that was apparently who she was cosplaying as. (Fem-engineer with rediculously tiny short-overalls, heeled boots painted black, a blue low-cut shirt, the hat, and some cleaning gloves.)

Well, she came running up to me while I was posing for a picture, and proceeded to tackle me to the floor, and almost crushed me. The me to her ratio was completely off… She outweighed me by about 100 lbs (me being about 100 myself) and it was enough to leave me bruised and knock the air out of my lungs. She then proceeded to try and rip my mask off while I struggled and told her to get off. No, no, she would NOT, and responded to my thrashing with, “Spy~UUUU~~~KUUUN! Why are you being such a meanie? We’re married!” I sort of deadpanned and squirmed out from under her, trying to make sure my costume was still in tact. To my relief, it was.

A good two hours later when I was at lunch with my friends A and B, she scurried over and slammed her fist on the table, yelling at me and saying I was ignoring my “Waifu”.To make the rest of a long story short, she continued glomping and whining at me until we all left.

Some years ago, I was at a con with my little circle of nerd-type bros. We stopped outside of our hotel to drink our weeb sodas and, somehow, this odd-looking fellow gets roped into our conversation. Being young and dumb, we invite him up to our room to talk some more and watch some anime I could tell was pretty bad, even back then.

As time went on, so the dude got creepier, leering at and hitting on my (lesbian) friend, and making generally terrible comments near-constantly. But, young and dumb as we were, we didn’t kick him out until he suggested I make out with my little sister, who had also come along, because “it would be yuri and incest at the same time”.

Yes, he actually said that. I think I was fifteen or so at the time.

During the following years we’ve seen him a couple times at the same con, always taking care not to get close enough that he might recognize us.

Okay, I’ve been to a few expos in my years of cosplay experience and…this has to be the worst that has happened to me so far. I was cosplaying Akita Neru Matryoshka, one of my friends was cosplaying Luka Matryoshka (I’ll call her Ali) and another cosplayed Miku Matryoshka (I’ll call her Oli). We were enjoying half way of the expo, socialising to people when this late 20 year old man came up to us…I didn’t know this at the time, but he was apparently cosplaying Kaito (I’ll call him Ian)…but I couldn’t tell, Ian only wore a wig and casual clothes. First Ian asked us for hugs which we all did. It was okay at first because he was only asking us for our facebooks, most people did. Then when we started to move on but Ian started tagging along with us, asking me if that was okay so I said sure..unsure of what to say.

As Ali and Oli talked to other cosplayers I was stuck with him. He kept talking to me and suddenly pulled me into a more romantic hug than just a hug and he kept saying “oh, you’re so cute” and gazed at me hungrily. I was nervously laughing and trying to pull away but Ian didn’t budge. He then said “can I have a kiss on the cheek?” I admit I was scared at this point because I suffer anxiety so I did, thinking that’s all he would want and would let me go…I was so wrong. 

“Do you have a boyfriend?” I didn’t, so I said I don’t have one and before I could tell him to let me go Ian kissed me. ON THE LIPS. He was trying to snog me. But I wasn’t letting him. I was tense and struggled to get him off of me. He was in his late 20’s and I was only 14! He kept pulling away for air and go back to snog me, I just wanted to throw up in his mouth.

Eventually I pushed him away from me and went to Oli and Ali whilst he was talking to other cosplayers. I told them what happened and they were horrified, we started to make a run to hide behind a caravan but Ian saw us, and made his way to us.

Ali and Oli grabbed my hands and we ran to a tall male Ciel cosplayer. We told him the situation and pointed to Ian and the Ciel said to us “don’t worry, I won’t let him get you guys” and glared at Ian who turned the other way.

When we got home from that day, surprisingly Ian didn’t ruin my day, it was a fun expo day but when I checked on facebook he sent me a message saying “hi, I’m the man with the blue wig :)” so then Ali sent him a message back saying I was her girlfriend and she would have battered him if she saw what Ian did. He apologised and left me alone.

The moral of this story? Stick close to your friends, because if they turn their back for a moment, you could be snogged by a weeaboo =A=

I was never really into anime and I never really considered myself to be hardcore. I read some manga here and there, watched a few anime when I felt like it, but I never ran around screaming “kawaii” or anything like that. I was not an otaku, far from it. If you threw some random anime/manga name at me, I’ve more than likely never heard of them. Ever.

A couple years ago I worked at a sushi restaurant to help pay for me and my sister’s apartment rent. It was a nice job, I liked getting free sushi and stuff and the customers that often came were regulars and were pretty nice. The restaurant wasn’t big since it was a small family ran it and the only five people worked there.

Of course, being Japanese themed, it does attract a strange crowd of people. And by people I mean a group of weeaboos that come every week. They dress like their favorite characters every now and again (cat ears, cat tail, cosplaying) and they constantly drop the words “nya” “desu” “chan” “san” “kun” “sama” “kawaii” and everything else you can think of, but it wasn’t these that really got on my nerves. It was the constant squealing, screaming, yelling “KAWAII” at the top of their lungs screaming “OMG! HE’S SO SEXY! I WANT HIS BABIES” at anime/manga drawings. There were several young children around. Some of the customers that had come hastily left. One of my co-workers speaks Korean and called them crazy in Korean. Several people thought they were crazy.

Not only that, but I had asked them several times to please keep it down. There were other customers around who were trying to eat and have a conversation with their friends as well. On one occasion, one of them squealed at me with “OMG!!! YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YUFFIE!” She grabbed me and actually hugged me and tried to pinch my cheeks and grab my nose. I was highly offended because I was 1) a complete stranger to her and 2) I was working and doing something like that to a person working is not good.

And then several of them actually said that I looked Japanese. I must be Japanese. I looked Asian. I tried to correct them by pointing out that I was half-Korean. They refused to listen to me and continued to squeal that I was Japanese and I was so cute that they could stick me in their pocket. One of them wanted my babies. Now, imagine taking orders from them every week. It was hell for me for a year. Every time I took their orders they screamed “NII-SAN!!! YOU’RE SO YUMMY!!!” Or something towards that line. Needless to say, I was and am scared of weeaboos.

I’m not sure whether this girl (We’ll call her K) would be considered an otakukin, otherkin, or batshit insane beyond what is thought to be possible. Ok, so our little tale of horror begins at the apartments I lived in about four years ago. We had just moved there, so I was friendless, knew noone, etc. and was going to a new school. Needless to say, I was freaked out and lonely, sobbu sobbu and what not. I was sort of a bottle-black-greasy haired emo-kid that didn’t talk to anyone, mostly because I was -scared- to do so. That’s when I met K. She was in the same grade, and I met her one day in English class. She seemed pretty nice, and we started hanging out. The thing that should have sent me off was the fact that she would make random screeching noises and shudder occasionally. Since I was a total loser and didn’t wan to run away from my only friend, I would just kind of giggle.

One day, we were at my apartment, watching some naruto, and she said, “Hah, I remember. He used that jutsu last time.” I asked what she was talking about. She just sort of ignored me.

In the next few days, she started talking about her ‘other half’ which was apparently a black dragon goddess named Illihria or something along those lines. From then on, she would screech and flap her arms at random times and growl, claiming that the dragon was taking over. Wat.

That died down for a while, and then she claimed that the spirit of Sakura was going to take over her body and change her completely. She was also convinced that I was a celestial wolf goddess.

Ok so I just moved into a new state and had a new school. Everyone was being introduced to me when this girl (who i will call luna) stated that her name was haruhi. She said the same thing from the anime about time travelers and all of that. THEN afterwards she walked up to me and said “your going to be in my club to help me search for them right?”. I didnt want to be rude so I said sure but then things started to get bad. First, she took my hand and brought me into what used to be the family consumer science room. She said “we need more people if we are going to find aliens!”. Then after she took one of the best looking cheerleaders with blond hair and said she was “kawaii” enough for our “club”. She pushed her in the room, locked the door, and then one of the janitors heard we were in there and tried to come in. I thought after that we would be kicked out of the school but it turns out she actually got permission to make it a REAL club. I wanted to tell her she was crazy, but i was too afraid at the time being new to the school so I shut my mouth. Then after “luna” said to me : so cheerleaders turn you on huh?” and then took my hand and put it on the poor cheerleaders chest. She was nervous and then fainted, so I caught her and luna said “I bet you like her don’t you(which i sorta did)? why don’t you kiss her then??” And literally forced my head down to kiss her. After being forced to kiss her I pushed luna into a wall and ran out of the room to tell the teacher what she did. The teacher suspended her which really pissed her off so she hit me. After all of that was done I walked back into the clubroom to get my stuff when I saw the cheerleader was there. She told me her name and also told me of how crazy luna was. Now we are currently dating so i am sort of grateful of that happening. But even so I will never forget it!

There’s a girl who went to my high school during my freshman and sophomore years. Let’s call her K.

K has really terrible hygiene. I know I shouldn’t judge, but she looks like a stereotypical weeb. She’s always wearing her Death Note or Pokemon shirts and carrying this really dirty, beat-up Death Note bag. She never really had any friends, so I kind of took pity on her. I and a friend of mine, let’s call her Sprinkles, decided to sit with her at lunch one day.

That may have been one of the biggest mistakes we have ever made.

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There is a girl in my school, let’s call her BB. She was reading Hetalia in the lunch line. Because I am a solitary anime/manga fan, I thought that this would be a fine time to make a good friend. I commented, “Hey, is that Hetalia?” BB looks up from her book and smiles a great big smile. -> (o U o) she’s this tiny little thing with big eyes

She and I hit off a great friendship with anime/manga/yaoi/etc common ground. But BB starts to get a little too….. open… She starts printing out hentai/yaoi/yuri booklets for me. I figure that this is just a joke, so I go along for a little while, even printing out a pretty hilarious/interesting/wtf picture as a joking response to one of her booklets.

This said image happens to be a yuri picture. BB asks me if I like yuri. I tell her that yes, I have read some good ones but in general I stick to action stuff. She suddenly starts getting all touchy feely — not the emotional kind — the physical kind. She stopped giving me all of those freaky pictures, so I figured that this was just a new joke. Like before, I do some clearly joking seductive moves, laughing and saying, ” (lol) just kidding…” I turn back to my locker to close it and when I look back… she’s rubbing her thighs together/licking her lips/doing that weird uncomfy-looking nekoish move with her fists up to her mouth.

She does this every time that I do one of those joke moves, so I stop because she’s starting to freak me out. Things start to go back to normal and I even go over to her house one evening. Her mom is watching TV downstairs, and we’re in her room drawing mangaish pictures on our homework and leafing through her manga.

Suddenly she’s on top of me. I laugh and tell her to get off. I assume she’s playing cat cuz she’s got fake ears on…. She takes out a box of I shit-you-not cucumbers wrapped in food wrap for makeshift condoms. WHADAFUQWHADAFUQWHADAFUQ

She says, “Let’s sexu~ in yuri desu~ <3”

I;m like, “Uh…. no thanks… get off, I really don’t do this stuff…”

I push her down off of me and get on my knees to get up. I’m about to grab my bag and jacket when I hear, ” Ohhhh you’re so aggressive desuka~ but y’know I’m really more of a seme than an uke~” she’s pushing her boobs together with her forearms and putting her knees together. WHADAFUQ x 6,000,000

I kick the box of food-wrap-condomed-cucumbers under her bed and call my mom to pick me up. I wait for my mom next to BB’s mom (she is a sane, religious woman). My mom picks me up. I don’t tell her because my mom has an iffy image of “anime folks” and this would make her tear up every scrap of manga that I have.

At school BB says, “Gomenoosaiii desu~ so sorry i thought that you were a yuri.”

We kinda make up, but I’m still kinda careful around her and I never hang out with her alone. Things are sort of back to normal…. but then again, that’s what I said about the booklets and touchy feely stuff.

Children… if you’re best friend tries to “yuri/yaoi/hentai” you with a cucumber in a food wrap condom, get the hell away….